Science shutdown by Lab Scientists
by Juan D. Winner
Los Alamos, Nov. 11 -- Space Aliens, from the Manhattan Project to the present time, have played an important role in the advancement of science, noted Government Official Robert "Bob" Jones of Interstellar Security and Implants (ISI) division, in introducing the first in a series of brown-bag workshops designed for Space Aliens who work and live at the Laboratory and Lab Scientists. The Lab’s Space Aliens and Lab Scientists come from a variety of cultures and planets, but they all have similar anxieties. These brown-bag sessions are aimed at providing a forum for information exchange between Space Aliens and Lab Scientists who can’t get along, Jones explained. Jones speculates that the Lab Scientists are jealous of the Space Aliens superior intelligence and they (Lab Scientists) feel unappreciated and inadequate. Jones said this feeling of incompetence among the Lab Scientists is what caused the unofficial Lab wide stand down of all Lab projects.
Laboratory Director for Alien Affairs G. O. Metro asked those present to gather a compendium of issues Lab Scientists and Space Aliens disagree upon. G. O. Metro went on to say that he was fully supportive of maintaining Interstellar Aliens and Lab Scientists at the Laboratory and invited those viewing via Labnet or on computers to be present in person to contribute to the discussions. G. O. Metro, though slated only to give introductory remarks, asked for and responded to several issues that ranged from demands from Lab Scientists, for a Lab wide dress code which they (Lab Scientists) wanted strictly enforced requiring Space Aliens to wear clothes, to the need to increase support to Interstellar Aliens with visa and immigration paperwork problems.
Government Official Jones noted that the Lab Scientists dress code included; leather sandals, black socks, kaki shorts and a dirty tee shirt. Jones said that when the dress code was brought up, the Space Aliens seemed to laugh and giggle at the notion causing more tension between concerned Lab Scientists. Jones said shortly after that a group of non-science employees were asked to leave due to their uncontrollable laughter, which interrupted the workshop several times and causing some Lab Scientists to run out of the workshop crying, "No one likes us".
Laboratory Director for Alien Affairs G. O. Metro noted that he hopes the Laboratory will be back on-line and fully functioning within a matter of months. "These issues will have to be closely scrutinizes and analyzed among the Space Aliens and Lab Scientists". G.O. Metro also stated that he felt that the dress code request would be carefully considered, but would only be enforced among Lab employees with higher degrees fearing that if it were forced on the Space Aliens, his anal probing would occur more frequently.
Each brown-bag workshop will deal with a specific issue or themes and will continue until the Space Aliens and Lab Scientists come to some sort of agreement. This twelve hour inaugural forum presented many challenges but was well worth the time G. O. Metro stated. He continued by noting that they will meet every other week until these issues can be resolved. G. O. Metro concluded that counselors were available to all upper management with stress related concerns due to the shutdown or any other problems Lab Scientists were experiencing, such as the feeling of being inferior or unpopular.
